obsession

for this past few weeks, there are 2 things that i have been obsessed about:

1. BOYCE AVENUE's rendition of ICE BOX (originally by Omarion)

2. and GLEE

and now im starting to wonder, am i even on the right path.. career wise. lol.

ps: past is starting to haunt me back. this is definitely not the best time of the year. sigh~

summer 2010

summer 2010 is still 6 months away, but i am done planning mine!

just today, ive bought my tickets for:

LONDON - ATHENS - LONDON

from 13/6/10 till 18/6/10

LONDON - NEWCASTLE - ROME - PARIS - BARCELONA

from 22/6/10 till 02/07/10

and i am SUPER LOOKING FORWARD TO IT!

but am not so excited to check my account balance. damn it.

OMG OMG OMG

warning: this is going to be another bimbo post

ive been pushed and encouraged.

should i go for it??

well, he IS super cute!

=S

do i have the guts??

should i just do it?

this is, yet, another final-year-crisis

tonight's gonna be a good night

a fun night tonight was.

fun people to hang out with.

i get to singstar. and damn it people! i scored 9000+ for everything

(well, almost everything. damn u helmi! haha)

and i didnt get the part.

but what the heck, at least i tried and got a call back!

=)

so, a fun night tonight was.

1 week for holiday.

5 days till pu's and lit review submission

im SUPER screwed.

sakit rumah

saya sangat sakit rumah.

rumah sangat dirindui.

orang2 di dalam nya pun begitu dirindui.

mengapa pada hari2 begini

perasaan ini membelengu diri?

damn.

Final-year-life crisis

you know how people in their middle ages, starts to have their mid-life crisis. well, it is basically, they are trying to do what they havent done before. the main reason mostly is, before they regret NOT doing it. yea. i am in that stage now. well, i am not saying that i am in my MID LIFE, but we can say, it is a final-year-life crisis. lol.

so i went for an audition yesterday. well, it is just an audition for a musical -- Rent, if you ever heard of it. the songs are not that bad though.. but its nothing really big. but heck, i was nervous out of my shoe!

sang "cry baby" by Janis Joplin. and heck. my note was here and there! and to top that, i forgot my lyrics. sweet. for sure i am not going to be called back. not that i am hoping for it.

so, i thought wrong. and the call back is today, at 11.50. damn. this is nerve-wrecking.. again!

ps: life after uni is w.o.r.k. and doubt it i will ever have a chance for this kind of thing again. lol. so why not right??

aidiladha

suddenly it hits me.

AIDILADHA is coming. its this friday.

and its going to be my last in newcastle.

damn. i am SOO going to miss this place.. especially the people.

apocalypse 2012

speculations and predictions have been made about this particular topic.

a movie is already out, and is dominating the box office charts, based on this scaring-thought-kind of-plot.

before this, i just ignore this fact. well, this kind of thing is not really within our grasp of knowledge and will and we wont know anything definite about the end of days/time, because obviously it is Allah's will. kun fayakun he says, then everything will happen. but the climate change (UK is still within the range of 5-15 degree of temperature), the chaos (all the wars around the world, political craze in my dear homeland), the world disaster (tsunamis, flashflood in the northern uk, seriously??), all pointing towards this little (but not so little) prediction.

watching a documentary about this today (yes, i have started watching discovery channel. lol), really makes me think. what if it really happens. and the predictions and the evidence really is pointing towards the apocalypse in 2012.. am i prepared?

well, i am pretty sure i am not. my ibadah is definitely not enough. my deeds towards my parents is not yet fulfilled. and i havent even achieve the goal of my life yet.

but who am i to say, "i havent achieve this, i havent done that, i am not prepared, so dont let it happen yet, please." He is the Almighty, and He has the power to do whatever he wants to do. and its all up to us wether or not we should prepare ourself for this particular day.

so bottomline, no one knows when THE APOCALYPSE shall come. it could be tomorrow, it can be next week, it can be 21-12-2012. or it can 20 years, or maybe even 100 years from now, but either way prepare yourself. knock some more sense in your head: LIFE IS NOT ONLY ABOUT LIVING, you need to prepare for that judgement day, too.

wallahualam.

the resistance 09

finally!! i did it!

since 2003, that is after miss michelle-oggy and dear cousin jessie introduced them to me - yes, i still remember u guys lend me the Hullabaloo CD when we were at Cikgu Kong's tuition. haha - i have been wanting to see them live, and yesterday.. I DID!!!!

MUSE came to glasgow for their The Resistance tour 09, and i bought the tickets literally 3 hours after the tickets start on sale. and the rest of the venues -- ALREADY SOLD OUT! SECC was the only left, and thank god its SECC, if not.. i wont get the first class treatment that i had in glasgow -- thanks to enchek khasha and housemates, especially khai. because of these guys, i get to eat KFC HALAL! hoyeah. jgn jealous nisz and lya and emi and the rest. :P

apart from my stupidity of not bringing my camera - but instead i brought along krol's gigantic camera and end up, not able to bring it into the friggin' venue! - i had an UBER-AWESOME time - no words can really describe how awesome it was! the vocal, the riffs, the drum.. the stage setting. the lightings. the crowd. dear god! it was a satisfaction. it is soo worth my 10 hours journey to and fro, and my 42 quid!

the show open with UPRISING and ends with KNIGHTS OF CYDONIA, and of course, PLUG IN BABY and NEWBORN was played. but the best was TIME IS RUNNING OUT. god! crowd participation, and the music... damn it people, I WANT TO GO AGAIN!

all in all.. i had an awesome monday, filled with awesome music, and acompanied by awesome people. thanks again.. and peace out!

ps: another one is crossed out for must go to concert!!!! hell yeah~! now what's left is jimmy eat world. hurm. im reconsidering this. huhu :P

500 days of summer

i am talking about the movie. it is interesting. different. pelik was the word fariza used when we saw it. *spoiler alert! for those who havent watch it*

there is this girl summer. who is not looking for anything serious. and she met this guy, tom, who believes in fate, destiny, love, soulmate. long story short, she left him, and he was left feeling wounded, hurt, depressed, angry, bitter. but after 500 days since he met her, he got over it. and believe in reality, rather than expectation. and owh, summer got married.

u can say shes a bitch. cruel-heartless bitch. but u know what, i understand that bitch. cause i think, i am that bitch. well, maybe not entirely LIKE that bitch, but u know.. generally.

people asked me where and why nadya SUMMER.

my first reason is because of SUMMER ROBERTS from THE OC. well, i love her. i want to be her.

my second reason is, i love the season -- summer. warm, bright, comfortable, cheerful. everything happy.

and now, ive added a third reason: that Summer from the movie.

interesting.

ps: i want summer back -- i mean the season. its too cold now.

pss: im going for MUSE concert tomorrow in glasgow. and im equipping myself with their songs. yes. i want to scream my throat off tomorrow. hell yeah!

nottingham games

it was awesome! i had a good time hanging out with my friends, meeting old friends, and making new friends. i get to meet friends from college, and also ulil. it is always nice to meet someone from back home. :)

though ben ben didn't go through to quarter-final, but it was still fun seeing them win 6-1 against the 'x-factor' (i'm not so sure what's the team's name). and it was definitely fun to cheer on them, though my attempt to lose my voice failed tremendously.

despite the previous 2 years of going to nottingham games, it was surprisingly warm there this time around. the weather was nice, and obviously the photos are gorgeous too.

other than that, i don't think i have anything to report on, except, it is definitely going to suck next year. no more nottingham games. no more cheering like a mad person on ben-ben. no more acting like stupid little kids, and just have a good time. i seriously cant imagine how working life's going to be. will i be the same person i am today? will i still fool around and not taking things too seriously?

in less than 10 months, i am going to leave this place, and leave these people behind..

and these 2 girls.

i am going to miss all of them, uber-terribly. seriously.

suddenly i'm being all nostalgic tonight. damn. i AM getting older.

time me

right. i am on a nobel quest to: "start doing work that's suppose to due tomorrow", but i still hope woody would extend the dateline. so, i am going to start working on it, after writing this, and hope to see that i will be able to finish it tonight. *fingers crossed* just for the sake of the language.

and owh, heres a random thought that striked me today: why didnt i keep a journal these 2 years im in here?? such a waste. ive forgotten some of the parts already. yes. i do have very terrible memory. i realised, i have very small storage capacity (like my 120gb external hd. its never enough!). so everytime new info comes in, the old ones goes out. even the ones that are worth remembering.. sigh. so yes. i need a journal to commemorate the memories, while im still here. while there are still some that's worth cherishing. lol

right. i better stop now, before i rant more on nonsensical topics.

so yes, time me. hope i can get it done before 8am tomorrow.

nadya summer. OUT!

a good start with a good song

this definitely put me back to the years of Audrey Hepburn.. oh dear, i have never felt this good listening to a song :)

ps: i am so madly in love with Michael Buble now.

Rat Pack @ Big Band week

i never knew that i liked this kind of genre or music, until i met hanis and obviously american idol 8 for the Rat Pack Week. and since Matt Giraud sang My Funny Valentine, it has been my favourite when it comes to a song from that era.

and last night, Lucie Jones had managed to top my list with her rendition, and she aced her performance excellently! this really make me wish i have such vocal and soul to sing this kind of song. *wishful thinking*

and Danyl Johnson sang Feeling Good, which brought me back to Adam Lambert. well, im not saying Danyl was not good. he's good, but the bar is set by Adam, and he was AWESOME!

randomness.

im getting so very restless. this b*tt has been sliding from one side to the other side of this couch since 9pm. and now, its already 10.34pm. nice. i have TONNES of work to do, but i have no idea why i cant pull myself to do it. seriously. i have a tutorial tomorrow, and obviously, he expect us to ask questions. so, if i havent done it, will i ask any questions?? obviously, not.

right. so i went through the man-made-madness called FACEBOOK. yes. i have been addicted to it, well, since i start living in the newcastle. and yes, i have been wasting time on it, more than i spend any of my time revising. so yes, i was facebook-ing (apparently its a verb nowadays), and has been randomly clicking on some people's profile, and replying prolonged wall post.... yadi yadi yada. so conclusion, i have been wasting time.

that is when i come to this final resort -- blogging. i seriously have nothing to share, except the fact that ive made up my mind that im going to proceed with the programming the old codes from Dr Wright for my final year project, and... im going to nottingham next saturday for the Nottingham Games (obviously as the official supporter for Ben-Ben)

and owh, before i sign off without sharing anything worth sharing at all, here's a quote i stumbled upon from THE TIMES, an interesting one i must say:

"The celebrity culture is a black hole sucking up light. it is not only a manifestation of the cretinisation or tabloidisation of our culture but further cretinises it."

- Raymond Tallis, "Stop the sick degrading culture of celebrity"

no matter how true this is, but we just cant help it, cant we?

goodnight everyone.

melinda/miranda gordon?

recent studies says that most stalkers think that they are in the relationship with the person that they are stalking.

this is me quoting Ghost Whisperer, season what not sure, which episode not sure.

so, this true? its pretty scary no? lol.

catching up

today is tuesday -- the most annoying day among all day in a week. why u may ask. mostly because i have an hour gap between all classes today, and now, i am skipping one -- i woke up 10.30, and class at 11. and it took me 20 minutes to get there, so u do the math.

last night was fun. catching up with iylia. which actually lead me to today -- woke up late. yes. pillow talk from 1 till 3. it has been a while since i last do that with her, so it is kinda nice to have it again.

today, i feel like talking about stereotyping.

why do people stereotype? like, u study in the uk, therefore u're gonna come back with all those hedonistic behaviour, and blonde hair. sweet. or like, u're from sarawak, therefore u live on trees. THAT has always been my favourite. and many other examples which i cant think of any right now, because its too painful for me even to pen it down.

so, why stereotype? why dont u just do it the traditional way -- get to know them, before you could jump to any conclusion or derivation or .. assumptions.

so yes. dont stereotype kids. its bad for your health.

majulah sukan untuk negara.

sunday blues

today is the 18th of October 2009.

first of all, HAPPY 28TH BIRTHDAY BIG BROTHER!

he is now 28, and getting married.. in less than a year time from now! and i am happy!

and today too.. was the last day of a very very dear friend of mine in newcastle.. he has been nice, kind, caring and supportive in everything i do.. and not to mention a very good cook as well. i wish him good life and bestest of luck in everything he does after this.. and am sure definitely going to miss him. bye fared. :(

fever

on tuesday, it was just warm body temp, and a little bit dizziness, with a little bit of coughing, and sniffles.

on wednesday, it was 38.6 deg C, coughing, sneezing, back pain, headache, and hot and cold at the same time.

and today, it was 38.9 deg C, coughing, sniffles, back pain, headache, and again.. hot and cold at the same time.

what's worse, i've managed to transmit the virus to fariza, and apparently, helmi is having a little bit of a cold as well.

i should go see a doctor right? but... i'm afraid that i might transmit the virus even further. hurm.

!@#$%^&*()*&^%$#@!

yeeha.

and yes im super mad and angry and frustrated.

it took me 9 friggin months to get neutralised from this mess, and then it came back haunting me.

stupid sh*t!

seriously.. why?!?!?! i've done NOTHING to you, ok!

why can't you leave me alone. seriously.. let my mind be in peace, thank you.

i have enough problem to worry about now, and adding salt to the wound is soo NOT helping, ryte!

thanx.

friday

i don't know what's wrong with me. but i know there is something wrong.

i'm getting mental block regarding my final year project. i don't know how to jump start considering Bruce had given me green light to proceed.

i'm skipping class intentionally. and not because i woke up late. plainly because i don't feel like it. and mind you, this is not like me. and yes, i know what you're thinking. so i admit. i AM a nerd. lol.

i'm feeling down all the time -- and to make things worse, i'm missing home terribly. and this is nonsensical, considering i just came back 2 weeks ago!

i'm not feeling like myself.. and i mean, all the time.

am i suffering a period of depression?? or is it just overbearing stress, and i don't know how to handle it?

people said, you need to identify your problems before you can solve it, so how am i suppose to solve mine?

stupid sh*t.

well, at least i realised i have a problem. sigh.

i told you so..

"now i found somebody new and you will never break my heart in two again"

check list

all checked. well, almost all.

but it just seem so far out of reach. its impossible.

first week of school

as a summary for this first week, i can conclude that, this year is going to be EXTREMELY busy.

how do i know that?

mostly because, in this first week only, we have been given 2 task, to be completed over this semester. and my head had been buzzing non-stop, because of the continuous reading and researching the shipbuilding problems for a topic for my final year project. and let me remind you again, this is just my first week of school. so, can you imagine what the rest of the weeks will be like? i know.

so wish me luck for this research, for i dont know how long can i keep my focus and attention for this one. lol.

first week

it has been only 3 days since i got back, and shopping has already been done. and i am not talking about grocery shopping, because - believe it or not - i havent done it. thanks to fariza, i have food at home. lol.

i am talking about the retail therapy kinda shopping. i bought a leather jacket. super awesome -- like what fariza said, its somekind like tailor-made for my body! awesome!

aidilfitri

i am now in newcastle, safe and sound .. and tired.

the 1 week of aidilfitri i had at home is nothing like any other hari raya i have ever had. everyday was filled with events, and gatherings, and reunions.

i get to see all my BFFs.

i get to meet really old friends, whom i havent seen for more than 10 years

(i never thought i will be saying this. it made me sound so old, at just being 21! lol)

i get to meet at least half of mama's family side.

i get to witness the engagement of kak mas and abang.

i get to bond with kak mas and hun hun

(though hun hun still owe me a meal, because he did promise to treat me -- and mind you people, hun hun is my sister's boyfriend)

it was a great vacation -- home never felt better! but now, im back in this foreign ground, which by now, shouldnt be too foreign for me i hope. and lets pray that tomorrow, and this year, will bring everything that is better.

ps: i end up not going for my classes today, and apparently we have already given our first assignment of the year -- thank God for helmi as my group mate, and lets hope norman would want to join our group too. *wishing*

a sunday

i hate this sunday. this particular sunday.
because family will be left behind.
bahasa melayu sarawak is no longer within shouting distance.
no more telai belalai for the belalais.
no more reunion.
no more hari raya.
back to work.
back to school..

but ive got friends waiting, so thats not too bad.

people in newcastle.. im coming home~!

group photo without iylia

a blast from the past (part IV)

FAIZAL SHADDI

*picture will come up later*

date of birth: 19 march 1986

race: Melanau

also known as: Eye @ I

ex-high school: SMK Agama Sibu

resemblance: Chad Michael Murray (to me at least)

if anyone happen to know where he is, i would love to know the update.

thank you very much :)

ps: dear aslam, my effort to find the blast from the past to humiliate you is still going on. consider yourself warned. lol.

pss: today is the day, the 2nd highlight of the few higlights of my homecoming! cant wait to see my girls, and guy. *sexcited!*

gay or metrosexual

beau brummel.

what's that you may ask? according to the A.Word.A.Day newsletter that i somehow have subcribed, means:

"A man who pay excessive to his clothes and appearance"

somehow this word is an etymology, where it was actually a nickname to a british dandy named George Brian Brummel. apparently, he was one of the social-figure back in the days, who was considered as the Justin Timberlake back in the days. but, he then died penniless at a mental institution in Caen. lets just hope mr JT doesnt end up the same way.

speaking of a beau brummel (pronounced: bo BRUM-uhl), i think i like these kind of guys. they care about how they look like, appear decent and yummy at the same time. examples:

our dear mr JT (my celebrity crush).

always looks good no matter what he wear, not to mention his adorable personality, and definitely not all about keeping his cool -- refer to his SNL performances, he's HILARIOUS! if anyone could be the guy to look up to, he is THE guy.

i know its not fair that he is hot to begin with, and with the right clothes he will look hotter, but wont kill you to try, wont it?

bottomline is, lets just hope when i actually meet this kind of guys, they wont spend more time in front of the mirror than i do. thank you.

ps: pardon me for the very bimbo post. sitting at home all day, with nothing else interesting other than e! channel, is not really generating the creative and intelligent side of the brain.

family reunion

september is a month full of surprises. that is, for my family at least.

dear cousin max and gerald aka zaireel, but i choose to call him b-jay, (which some how made him mad, and i love it!) came back to surprise their parents (which happens to be my aunt and uncle)

and this is danial (or is it daniel?), b-jay's 2nd son, who is ever so handsome at just being 5 years old.

ive always loved family reunions. :)

note: the pink thingies in the background are the hantarans for my brother's upcoming engagement -- hand made by mama

sick and disturbing

spoiler alert!

final destination 2009

thanks to kak nomi-maryumz, i spent 2 hours of my night getting freaked and sitting at the edge of my seat.

gruesome.

after seeing the girl's leg got crushed in this pulley kind of thing

disturbing.

after watching the guy's intestines and internal organs got sucked out of his friggin bu*t

that is all i can say.

i was left feeling traumatised.

nice.

a happy day

yesterday was a VERY happy day

(except for the ending bit, but dont let that spoil the mood)

let me tell you why:

sungkai aka buka puasa is super marvelous!

i had ikan bulan goreng, ketam/crab, sayur midin, durian, and lush-licious ice-cream cake and not forgetting the lush-licious-finger-licking-extraordinaire cheese cake.. ooh! seriously, with all that good food, i can die now (but wait for me to taubat dulu. lol)

had an awesome birthday celebration for dear j-izzy

after 4-5 years not celebrating ANY of our birthdays together, finally we did it! and we had 2 cakes to top the night!

so, lets hope today goes the same too. :)

shout out for: Jessica Isabelle

to the lady who turned 22 today, which makes her officially older than me, which i must say merely by months -- almost 4 months to be exact

hey dear cousin!

happy 22nd birthday

i wish u all the happiness in the world,

and all good things in life,

and all the fun bits throughout!

haffa blast babeness!

love you

xoxo

of biscuits and biscotti

aidilfitri is just around the corner, and obviously, every household in malaysia especially, will be busy preparing what nots for the big day. so for my household, it has been weeks of cleaning windows, window panes, grills, gates.. changing the curtains.. you know, the usuals.

as for this week, its biscuits time. mama is a great biscuits baker. she baked the best cookies-biscuits in sibu, i can say. she can, and she did sell them, and it sells like .. goreng pisang(?) but she refuses to continue because she said, she doesnt have enough quality time with her kids. --mama is THE lady.

and with that, i conclude, i will go awol for the whole week, maybe..

stuff still runs through my head, but since im too occupied to even note it down, i just forget.

and thought of the day :

"Wanita-wanita yang keji diperuntukkan bagi laki-laki yang keji. Laki-laki yang keji diperuntukkan bagi wanita yang keji. Dan wanita-wanita yang baik diperuntukkan bagi laki-laki yang baik. Laki-laki yang baik diperuntukkan bagi wanita yang baik”

(QS An-Nuur: 26)

a blast from the past (part III)

i found rm19.19 in my birthday cards stash!

thanks to the family tradition of giving money in the amount of you age (eg: 20=rm20.20, etc.), i now have rm19 extra. weeho! i might go through some other later, just in case the ones from my 18th birthday is still there. lol! whos to say going through old stuff is just dusty and dirty ;)

at the times where i dont really earn any allowance or income, and im not really into asking money from my parents, rm19 seems like a huge amount ok! :P

a blast from the past (part II)

i found this piece when i was browsing through the book.

i see you crying over something i dont know

but now i know why

you have to leave

you have to go

it hurts so much to see you go

to know that i'm not goin' to see you again

for how long .. i don't know

our friendship was precious

we were so close

the next thing i know

i had fall in love with you

it has been 3 years now

since you leave this town

you promised to call

you promised to write

but you never did

everyday i waited

but nothing came to my mailbox

except for the bills and the brochures on some crap .. i don't wanna know

so i gave up hope

and i wrote this song

to tell you that i never forget you

the way you've forgotten me

coz i love you girl

and no one is better than you

but if this is how you're treating me

you had broke my heart to pieces

and i could never put it back together again

*i am still a little bit confused myself, whether or not i have written this by myself, or is it something i picked up somewhere. but if i did it myself, i really dont know why i was so morbid. lol*

appologies

i am so sorry for the constant deleting and reappearing posts.

as it may have seem, the site is still under progress, as i am still trying to import all my posts from my previous blog.. not that those posts really matter, but its kind of important to me to 'cherish' the immatureness of my old posts and my stories (also including the fact i am going to delete the old blog), and see how i evolve since then. lol.

until there is a new post, i will see you again.

a blast from the past (part I)

im at my parents house and i was looking for a book or a piece of paper in my study drawer. then i stumble upon my old grammar and literature exercise book back from the days of form 4 and this is what i found:

note that this was done when i was 16, and now im 21. so.. i am at the stage of 5 years from now. and i think i do still look pre-mature and i am very much studying. lol. lets see if the rest does fall under the plan.

a post for HELMI RAHIM

happy 21st birthday HELMI!

I wish you all the very best in life.

sorry kitorang takde kat newcastle to celebrate with you, but nak celebrate cane pun kan.. bulan puase kot. anyways, you are an awesome friend and definitely a great shopping buddy! and dude, you're legal! happy birthday! x

expectation (ek′spek tā′s̸hən)

noun

1. a looking forward to; anticipation
2. a looking for as due, proper, or necessary
3. a thing looked forward to
4. a reason or warrant for looking forward to something; prospect for the future, as of advancement or prosperity
5. the probability of the occurrence, duration, etc. of something, esp. as indicated by statistics

whatever the meaning is, you are never meant to have them. it can only bring you 2 extremes:

1. you can be overly satisfied, despite the fact that it may not yet be enough
2. you'll be overly crushed, because you thought you deserve better.

either way, it wont do yourself any good.

so rather than having them, just think logically. only then you'll be safe.

CHOICES

Life comes with many choices.

if one said they don't have any choice, that just simply mean that the other option for them is not really doable.

then, among those choices, we have FIRST CHOICE and LAST CHOICE, but what does that really mean?

FIRST CHOICE:

1. it is THE BEST among all, and that's what you really want
2. it is the first thing that came to mind because you just don't know what to pick

LAST CHOICE:

1. it is the last thing that you think of having, and it could be the worst of the bunch
2. it is the best among all. and it is the last one because you wanted to try everything else first.

but what could be better..

Being the FIRST CHOICE,

THE LAST CHOICE,

or NOT BEING A CHOICE AT ALL?

money

a wise friend of mine said his father told him this:

" no matter how much money you have, think that you can only spend half of it "

i think i'm going to stick to that piece of advice.

like a song

Like A Song

by Lenka

I can't forget you when you're gone.
You're like a song
That goes around in my head.
And how I regret
It's been so long.
Oh, what went wrong?
Could it be something I said?
Time, make it go faster,
Or just rewind
To back when im wrapped in your arms

Ahoooh

Dum da di da
Da da da dum
Da da da dum
Da da da dum da da di dum
Da di dum dum
Da da da dum
Da da da dum
Da da da dum la da da di da dum

All afternoon long
It's with me
The same song
You left a light on
Inside me
My love

I can Remember
The way that it felt
To be holding on to you

Da dum da da di dum
Ooh dum di dum

Time
Make it go faster
Or just decide
To come back to my happy heart.

Ahooh oh

Time, make it go faster or just rewind to when im wrapped in your arms

angau

what is this word? and where and how does it came about?

according to the malays, angau means lovesick - Languishing because of love.

according to the Welsh, angau means death.

according to the Eldar, angau means destiny, doom, fate.

but if we come back to the sense of the word in our community, it is the combination of all the words above.

angau - a feeling that arise due to our believe in our destiny or fate in another person, that turn us into behaving like lovesick puppies, which then could eventually brings death. or if i would like to sugar coat the fact -- it can turn into an eternal love, that could only be separated by death.

a good day

yesterday has been a good day for me.

2 people actually flatter me with compliments, which i must admit, i rarely get and its really great.

i drove my friends from sabah (nico, michelle and 1 other guy whom im not so sure of the name till now) around sibu town, and show them whatever it is there is here in this small cowboy town that i call home, that matter. and yes, i have been driving solo the whole time, which i must add, a rarely occassion since i've gotten my license 4 years back. despite the constant swearing and an incident of car's-butt-kissing-the-wall-of-MUC's-gate, i did enjoy myself, and i really hope they did too. *yikes. but i did apologize relentlessly regarding the bad swearing and the bad driving skills* and thanks to that small accident, i actually think i drive a lot better now. how do i know this? there are less screaming and "oi-oi-oi!" from papa and mama when they are in the car. *yeay!*

anyways, yesterday too had been a good day, because i was having a good mood the whole day. nothing really pissed me off and made me want to debate everything, except for the exceptional driving skills that sibu people have (and maybe myself too at times). sigh. and there is NOTHING i, nor does anybody else, can do about it.

naina (abg lin and kak ina's daughter) was also nice and friendly to me, despite the fact that she is a bit scared of others, especially the ladies. and yes, i did say 'the ladies', because she IS afraid of the ladies, but not so much the men. speaking of gender preference, huh. lol. we even have them since we were kids! but why oh why, do we still have gays and lesbians running the streets - not that im really against them - but its obviously wrong and against the law of nature, no? though im not going to comment much on that. it may create this huge debacle, and im not really in the mood for that yet.

so yesterday was a good day, and lets just hope today is the same, or maybe even better.

have a good day everyone!

a post for mama

Some people may have Hillary Clinton as their idol. Some may even have Nicole Scherzinger. Some may even have Datin Seri Rosmah.

but mine, is my one and only mama, Saliah Japaruddin.

do know how awesome my mama is?

she has been raising us all 3 all on her sweat and tears, and also papa's obviously.

she has been the household manager for almost 31 years now.

she has been our infamous financial planner, and i must say, she is really good at it.

she is the most practical person i have ever met and know, and i really admire her for that.

she is very humble and down-to-earth, and very generous at the same time.

she is very talented and artistic - a talent that I have been longing to have, but never did.  just look at all her handy work all these years!

she has this green hands, where everything that she planted, grows! we have this huge green garden around the house because of her.

she is my personal shrink. motivator. and guidance counselor. her in depth about life is simply amazing.

she has been the pillar for all us 3, ever since we started being independent. she may have not been holding our hands the whole time, but she was - and still is - definitely there, when we slipped, or even when we fall.

she has been a great friend, and even gossip partner, ever since i was away from home. *i couldnt say the same thing about her when i was in high school, because she has been a bit strict. maybe because of parents-children boundary issues*

and most important of all, she has been setting this life trend ever since i was a child, and i am not ashamed to say this: I WANT TO GROW UP TO BE JUST LIKE HER - OR MAYBE BETTER.

because, mama, you are this rare gemstone that has been on the surface of the earth, but nobody has really acknowledged your quality, because your spark just hasn't caught their eyes yet.

i admire your determination, your principle, your discipline, your wittiness and your courage, in order to raise us, feed us, love us, nurture us, and most importantly, help us growing up, and stand on our own feet.

thank you mama for everything that you had ever done and going to do.

and i salute you.

"Ya Allah, ampunilah dosaku, dan dosa kedua ibu bapa ku, dan sayangilah mereka sepertimana mereka menyayangiku diwaktu kecilku"

Amin.

i love you mama.

Nadya Summer

i hate it.

everytime im in a conversation, its always "that" that reappears.

i hate it.

seriously.

I HATE IT!

agh. i hate "that" more for even have to put me in this position at the first place.

i hate you.

Race: Time for a New Beginning

this was taken from Tengku Razaleigh's official weblog

*learn as much as you can, and do as much as you would. we can still make a difference.

Thank you for inviting me to speak at this event.

Distance, home and reflection

1) The opportunity to study abroad is a gift. I remember my days as a student in Belfast so long ago. Now as then, overseas study gives us the chance to be educated at some of the finest, best established institutions of higher learning anywhere, and to be exposed to the best that has been thought and done, and to measure ourselves against the highest standards. It is an opportunity to see the world.

2) Travel and living abroad takes us far away from home, but in doing so it also brings us closer to ourselves, and closer to home. Have you experienced this? Have you felt time and distance making you more conscious of how unique and precious the places, relationships, colours, smells and yes, tastes, of home are? Distance can help us see things more clearly. Home is such an immediate, dense and total experience that we often need to go away to see its contours. Home is such an emotional experience that we often understand it better in the coolness of distance. We sometimes need the elevation of distance to see the map of our own country.

3) I want to use this privileged distance that we now share, here in Melbourne, to speak frankly with you today about a matter that is usually so tightly wound up, so emotional, that at a national level we have not been able to have a rational discussion about it.

4) I want to invite you to look across this distance at the map of the life in common that we call our country. I want to look across the distance of fifty two years of independence, across changes over my own lifetime, to understand where we have come from as a nation and where we are going. My topic is race and racial consciousness in Malaysian life, and especially in our politics.

Race in the political life of Malaysia

5) Our social and political life is racialised to a degree seen in few other countries in the world.  There are historical reasons for this. Malaysia was, at its birth, a country deeply divided along communal lines. We negotiated and attained independence with a power-sharing arrangement between the leaders of the three major racial communities as represented by the Alliance coalition. The agreement and cooperation of these leaders ensured peace and stability while we modernised our economy. The skill and integrity of these leaders, and their clear authority among their own communities was key to the success of this model, which is sometimes described by political scientists as consociational democracy.

6) This arrangement lasted only twelve years. After the traumatic riots of May 1969, we underwent a period of rule under the  National Operations Council before Parliament was restored. The New Economic Policy was drafted and put into action. A new coalition, the Barisan Nasional, was put together to ensure that every community had a place at the table. Once more, the idea was to resolve conflict within a consociational power-sharing arrangement. Each community was to have a place at the table. Conflicts were to be solved between the leaders of these communities, behind closed doors.  This arrangement was useful and effective for its time, but we have to wake up to the fact that it no longer works.

It is important to understand why:

7) It was never meant to be a permanent solution. Our method of racial power-sharing is primarily a system for resolving conflict in a deeply divided society. It was designed as an interim work-around, an early stage on the way to “a more perfect union” and not as the desired end-state. Over the years, however, we have put up barricades around our system as if it were a fore-ordained and permanent ideal. In doing so, we have turned a half-way house into our destination, as if we must forever remain a racially divided and racially governed society.

8.) Instead, our ideal must be to become a free and united society in which individuals can express their ethnic and religious identities without being imprisoned in them. We must aim for a society in which public reasoning and not backroom dealing determines our collective decisions.

9) The power-sharing model that we started life with is an elite style of government justified by the virtue and competence of natural leaders of their communities. It needs special conditions. It does not work when political parties are led by the ignorant and the corrupt who have no standing in the communities they claim to represent.

10) It needs genuine agreement and cooperation between leaders who command support in their own communities and are universally respected. It  will not work if the power-sharing coalition is overly dominated by one person and the others are there as token representatives. Our founding fathers negotiated, cooperated and  shared responsibility as equals and as friends within a power-sharing framework. The communal interests they represented were articulated within the overarching vision of a united Malaysia. In the intervening years, as power came to be concentrated in the Executive, we preserved only the outward appearance of power-sharing. In reality we have had top-down rule and power has become increasingly unaccountable. Each of our political parties has also become more top-down, ruled by eternal incumbents who protect their position with elaborate restrictions on contests. Umno itself has become beholden to the Executive.

11) Our decades under highly-centralised government undermined our power-sharing formula, just as it undermined key institutions such as the judiciary, the police and the rule of law. Our major institutions have survived in appearance while their substance has eroded. Seen in this light, the election results of March 8, which saw the Barisan Nasional handed its worst defeat since 1969, was just the beginning of the collapse of a structure which has long been hollowed out.

The end of the old, but not quite the new

12) The racial power-sharing model now practiced by Barisan is broken. It takes more honesty than we are used to in public life to observe that this is not a temporary but a terminal crisis. An old order is ending. Our problem is that while this past winds down, smoothly or otherwise, the future is not yet here. We are caught in between. Despite our having become a more economically advanced society, with many opportunities for our citizens to express richly plural identities, our races have become increasingly polarised. Large numbers of our electorate still vote along ethnic and religious lines. Much of our political ground is still racially demarcated. Although we have made some progress towards truly multiracial politics, both the Government and the Opposition are largely mobilised along racial lines. It is not yet time to herald a new dawn. Instead, we are in a transition full of perils and possibilities.

13) You are this generation caught between. You are the generation of transition. You will play a key role in determining its outcome. However well a certain kind of politics of racial identity may have served to reduce conflict in the past, it has come to the end of its useful life. We need a new beginning to racial relations in Malaysia, and you must pioneer that beginning. We need to re-design race relations in Malaysia, and you must be the architects and builders of that design.

14) In coming to that new design I hope you take advantage of the perspective of distance that your overseas education has given you to not take as your starting point the tired answers that are passed on as conventional wisdom. You must reformulate the questions and come up with your own answers. When it is clear that one generation may have run out of steam, it is time to generate your own. Where do you begin? May I suggest some perspectives and principles. Whatever the answers we come up with, I think the following elements are important:

a) Begin with our common humanity. Respect our common humanity must override all lesser affiliations, including race. One of Islam’s most powerful contributions to human civilisation has been its insistence on the equality of all human beings. Islam tolerates no notions of racial superiority or inferiority. All human beings are equal before God. That same principle of equality is absolutely fundamental to democracy, and democracy is a foundational principle of our Constitution. Democracy is part of what makes us who we are as a nation. Even if we might still gravitate towards racial  groupings, our allegiance to these groups must never overshadow our allegiance to the Constitution, and to the claims of equal dignity that it establishes firmly and permanently. Political parties based on race or religion must never be allowed to do or say anything contrary to justice and equality.

b) We must anchor ourselves in the Constitution and restore its primacy. This founding document of our country establishes definitively the equality of citizenship that is the bedrock of democracy. It gives us the framework of law and order within which we become a nation. It establishes the primacy of the rule of law, the sovereignty of Parliament, the independence of the judiciary and civil service and of our law enforcement agencies. These are the institutions which guarantee the freedom and sovereignty of the people.

c) We should acknowledge that while race is a category that unites people in common feeling, it can also divide, and divide disastrously. While it unites people who possess a set of social markers it often divides the same people from other communities. We should appreciate not just the fact that we are diverse but diverse in different ways. What I mean by this is that we are not diverse in the sense of being merely Malay, a Chinese, an Indian, a Kadazan, Iban and so forth. Each of us inhabits these particular identities in different ways. Each of us is not just a member of a race. There are other classifications which matter to us, such as location, class, social status, occupation, language, politics and others. 

We would be terribly impoverished as persons if our identity was given ahead of time and once and for all merely by our membership of a fixed racial category. I would be a very dull person if you could tell who I was simply by looking up my race. We would never have unity if that is primarily how we regard one another. If you reflect on yourselves, you might find that all kinds of identity matter to you: that you are a graduate of such and such a university, that you speak these languages, support this football team, enjoy certain food or music, love to travel, can write computer code, have read such and such books, and have so-and-so as friends. Just reflect on how you identify yourselves in your facebook profiles. Is race the only thing you regard as important about yourselves? Is it the most important thing?



To expect our politics to be given by our race is to make cardboard images of ourselves, it is to retard our growth as individuals and hence as a society. Similarly to see no more of others than their race is to turn them into stereotypes and maintain a view of the world bordering on racist.  I want to urge you, as the makers of the new social landscape we need in Malaysia, to reject taking race to be a unique and fixed categorisation, to reject race as a central category of social and political life.

i) Race is a constructed category, in the sense that people shape what they count as a “race” according to time, place and purpose. There is no unique and rigid concept of it the way there is a rigid concept of buoyancy, double-entry book-keeping, equilateral triangles and photosynthesis. I would be offended if you tried to measure and determine my racial identity, and it would tell me that there was something deeply wrong with your worldview. I am not Malay in the sense in which water is H2O.

ii) Race is merely one among many identities we take up in life. We may not have much choice over how others categorise us, but we certainly have a choice about the relative importance to place on our own and therefore on the others’ racial identity. We have a choice in how much weight we put on it, and in how high in our scheme of values we put it. The contrast I want to draw is between the view that makes race out to be a unique and fundamental category, and a view that sees race as one out of many kinds of identification we could prioritise. If we see race as a watertight category, then you are either of race X or not, and everything else: your habits, thought-patterns, loyalties and politics must all follow from that. Then race becomes destiny. The politics of this kind of conception of race will always divide, and the ultimate solution to intra-racial problems it leads us to is, in the end, violence. It is easy to identify the practitioners of this kind of racial politics. They will rely on veiled threats of communal violence even as they take part  in democratic politics. 

However, if we understand that racial identity is just one of many identities we have to balance, then it becomes our duty as thinking persons to set relative priorities on all these identifications. We need to ask ourselves whether we want to draw our moral values and perspective from our common humanity or from our racial identity. As educated, reasoning people, we cannot but find our common humanity the more fundamental value. We cannot but find rationally chosen universal values more important than inherited tribal affiliations.

iii) The ability to root ourselves in our common humanity first and foremost is the prerequisite for the development of a democratic society in which policies are decided by public reasoning rather than determined by violence and manipulation. This is because open public reasoning can only be carried out where there is equal respect for the dignity and rights of all citizens,  and such respect must be firmly rooted in an understanding that despite sometimes clashing interests and identities, we are united by a more fundamental common identity: that of a shared humanity created by God. Our common humanity gives us moral obligations to one another, regardless of our lesser affiliations in a way that racial identity does not.

d) We need to arrive at new ways of mediating conflicting claims between the races, new ways of bringing people to the table, of including everyone in the decisionmaking process.

e) These new ways must be based on more open conceptions of who we are. Malaysia’s major races have lived together not just for decades but for centuries. Their cultures have interacted for millenia. In that time there has been mutual influence, admixture and cross-pollination at a depth and on a scale that our politics, popular culture and educational curriculum has largely pretended does not exist. 

In my own parliamentary constituency, jungle covered, far inland and one of the most remote in the peninsula (it used to be known as Ulu Kelantan and covered half the state, and when I started there I had to travel to it by boat), is a six hundred year old Chinese community, perhaps the oldest in the peninsula, living in peace with their Malay and Orang Asli neighbours. Why pretend that we do not owe so much to each other that we would not be ourselves without each other? At the level at which people actually live we are already inextricably linked to each other. 

It is time to embrace this real diversity in our political and personal lives. Our racial identities are not silos in a cornfield, forever separate, encased in steel, but trees in our rainforest: standing distinct but inexplicable without each other and constantly co-evolving.

16) While giving room to whoever wants to organise and advocate political interests according to our ethnic and religious affinities, we must now, very firmly, assert that such affinities must always recognise the priority and primacy of our common citizenship, our equal dignity, and above all, our common humanity before each other and before God. First we are human beings who are open to one another.

17) My young friends, I am not recommending anything novel. These are cardinal principle of our Constitution and the faiths we profess, most especially of Islam, and of reason itself. Let us have the sense of perspective to see our ethnic identities against these cornerstone principles of religion and ethics, and let us now educate our young, apprentice our youth, and conduct ourselves according to these principles. And then let us have a new beginning for Malaysia.

Tengku Razaleigh Hamzah

Sunday, 9 August 2009 – Prince Phillip Lecture Theatre, Melbourne University

Seminar Pembangunan Insan
Kelab Umno Melbourne

random thoughts on a monday morning

its now 9.56 am, and right now im in sibu. yes. there is length of a story that follows my return, which i will create another post especially for it. but right now, i am all about my random thoughts.

random thoughts #1

i think i fear commitment. its really weird whenever anyone approaches me, seeking for a relationship, it scares me so much, that i almost literally push them away. why this happen, i do not know. well, i do know. but i dont really feel like sharing it with anyone.

random thoughts #2

u know the song IRIS by GOO GOO DOLLS. thats a good song, no? i was just listening to it, and it struck me: is there such a person out there? or is there such a person who'll sing that to me and mean it?

random thoughts #3

ever since i got back, i dont really do anything exciting.. heck, nothing even close to interesting. is it because i only had come back for 4 days, or is it because i havent been going out much? i think it is both. im really that boring am i. lol

random thoughts #4

LOVE STORY by TAYLOR SWIFT actually put me to tears. u know the line where she sang:

"Marry me Juliet, you'll never have to be alone.

I love you, and that's all I really know.

I talked to your dad -- go pick out a white dress

It's a love story, baby just say... yes."

how sweet is that?? goodness.. kudos to taylor for such a lovely voice, and beautiful lyrics. cmon mr romeo, come and sweep me off my feet.

random thoughts #5

dont you think its weird that my thoughts now mostly revolve around relationships and love? is it my biological clock ticking, or is it just the mood in the air -- with abang's engagement coming up, and me being single, and mimie and her relationship going a-okay..  hurmm.. i think it is the mood that's in the air. damn the mood. now im all gooey and mushy.

random thoughts #5

i think im getting fatter. shoot. its very depressing okay. and with other people keep pointing it out -- IT IS NOT HELPING!! but there is no one to blame but myself. so, whats next? stop getting fat-er, or try to slim down? which will work wonders? give me time, and ill prove it to you.

ok. i think i should sign off now. another day awaits. well actually, mama awaits.

queasy.

yes.

that explains what i am feeling right now.

so freaking uneasy ok.

kakak.. HELP ME!

personality test

Your view on yourself:

You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.The seriousness of your love:

You like to flirt and behave seductively. The opposite sex finds this very attractive, and that's why you'll always have admirers hanging off your arms. But how serious are you about choosing someone to be in a relationship with?Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.The right job for you:

You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.How do you view success:

You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.What are you most afraid of:

You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.Who is your true self:

You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

get yours here

the ugly truth

and the truth is very ugly, and we dont really want to know it.

and yes, this post is mostly based on the movie.

women do have checklist of their perfect guy. but when will it ever knock us in the head and make us realise that: THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS PERFECT??

its always the odds one that makes u feel giddy..

its always the ones who doesnt check any point on ur list, that makes u feel happy..

the perfect one doesnt exist.

even if they do, they're most probably  not meant for you.

so suck it up ladies. embrace what u have, and what's in front of you.. or what's coming your way.. but not to a point where u become dogs and just grab whatever is in front of you.. but, you know what i mean.

i hope this register in my head.

its amazing..

how people can easily pour their heart out on a blog.

no, im not being sarcastic, nor am i judging.. but seriously, i am really amazed by these people. because seriously, i cant. am i guarded? maybe. am i insecure about myself? most definitely. but its kinda nice to have your feelings out there you know.. its not held inside you, and you can actually resolve it pieces by pieces.

its like this: when u have a tangled rope, or in my case, tangled wires of my laptop's cable, chargers, and other stuff that are constantly attached to the multiple socket connection thingy (the name of the thing just doesnt register to my head right now), then, to untangle it, u have to sort it out one by one, and then maybe, tie them up together, neatly, so that, it wont be messy.. right? well, at least, some people do that... so yea, then, problem solved. thats also the case with human brain. when u have problem, u take everything out, u compartmentalise it, then.. u sort it out one by one. problem solved. pretty cool method isnt it? and its working really well too.. well, for everyone else at least.

and its also amazing how other people's story can actually jolt a positive thinking and feeling in yourself.

inspiring. motivating. gratitude.

those are the feelings that i have today.

inspired to do a good deed to others.. pursuing my dreams..

motivating in a way, where i am having a dream again. what i want to achieve, and maybe help people achieve theirs..

and gratitude.. for everything that i have, or still have. compared to those who may have lost it.

thank you for giving me this day, and living it.

im grateful.

and now, im off to bed. peace out yo.

its so hard..

.. when ure keeping a secret, that u know no one should know.

.. when u like an old friend, and know u cant do anything bout it.

.. when money become the issue.

.. when u missed ur family more than u know u could.

.. when ure down, and no one's gonna pick u back up.

ok. im starting to make things up. lol.

but, its hard, nonetheless :P

you know what..

I COULDNT BE HAPPY-ER!

and i do love u kakak.

summer_breeze

thats when i realise..

i do miss home so much..

that i am willing to work and collect money up until 400 quid just to go back home

i do want to witness the 1st one in our family to get engage this raya..

i want to celebrate raya at home this year

last but not least,

i can no longer sleep earlier than 3pm.

i am so messed up.

i really need to find a job to get that 400 quid before the price shoot up even more.

i miss home.

summer_breeze

reminiscing.

i did just that, and it sucks.

yes, i wasnt in the popular loop.

yes, i wasnt the prettiest.

yes, i wasnt the brightest.

yes, the guy that i really like and piled on, never liked me back.

yes, i have that very low self esteem.

have i regretted any of those, maybe not.

because im pretty happy with where i am right now, and how far ive come.

but i cant help to think back on the days, and how much have i missed out.

sigh.

it just couldnt get any worse

the departed of nek saibon.

extra load of coursework -- make it 5 this week.

tooth ache. terrrrible!

NISE practice . . .

malaysian night practice. and lack of support i must add.

and then.. the biggest one among all - -RESULT.

this week just suck.

 

::summer_breeze::

david cook. american idol 8. life.

right. i know. ive been obsessed with david cook for AGES now. and i still havent got over him, so yea. bare with me.

he is UBER AWESOME. downloaded his latest album. love all em songs!! especially LIFE ON THE MOON. sigh. just awesome.

american idol 8 had started. sangat suke! love danny gokey and his friend, jamar. uber nice voice! uber fantastico. i know. uber is my word now. cant wait for their next performances. :)

life. had been a pretty fantastic and life changing roller coaster. some were left behind, and some just move along just fine. and for those who stick around, thanx. it means so much. and for those who got left behind, its not the end of time. i will still be here :)

and as for life in general, been really busy. gosh. its unimaginable! 4 courseworks are piling. and im not done with any of it. im screwed!

anyway, i miss ita, along and nor. and even mimie. i miss my gals.

i wanna go home.

::summer_breeze::